Who's that girl??

This is my blog introduction. It's a way for me and you to get to know each other, to really begin to understand what I'm about. Unfortunately, the whole getting to know you thing probably won't happen, but hey whatever. Anyway, my name is Meghan. I guess that's where I should start. I like writing, but I don't consider myself a writer, so bear with me. I'm 19 years old and in my second year of college.
The first year of college was great! I made friends fast and I was doing what I love to do which is music. Music is my life. I sleep, breath, and eat it. I shower myself in music. For the first semester of my Freshman year, I had an ok roommate. I am not going to give out names for risk that someone might actually know her. But, let's just say, it wasn't a great situation. The funny part is that we actually picked to be each other's roommate at Connection. (Connection is an event for upcoming Freshman where they can get to know each other.) She just wasn't very respectful of me and my stuff. Then, she moved out and I got a second roommate. She was fabulous. I was so lucky to get here. Her name was Deanna. She had just come back from L.A. where she had attempted to be an actress, but then decided that that wasn't for her. She was a SUPER Christian. (If there is such a thing.) I had never met anyone so confident in their faith and so in tune with God. Some would say, how do you know she is "in tune with God?" And all I can say is believe me... I know. The love of the Lord just radiated from her. From her smile, her personality, from every inch of her body. She was great and not only great, but great for me. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be the girl that I am today. She put things in a perspective I had never seen them in before. All of a sudden, I had become the same super Christian I had always loathed, but instead of loathing it, I was embracing it. Soon, the opportunity of Summer Ministry came around. It was perfect for me. I would spend an entire summer going from camp to camp as a counselor and basically an ambassador for the school and I would get paid for it. Also, the school paid for all of our food, our supplies, our transportation, and even some of our clothing. It was the ideal job and I thought it was going to be an ideal summer. I felt God in every step of the application process. I had been sick during the interview and yet somehow made it through without coughing once. I had been so nervous during the auditions and yet came away self-assured that I had done a good job. Then, I got the letter telling me I had made it! It was the most glorious moment of my life. This was a hard thing to get into and there was such an extensive application process. I was so proud! But then, about two days after I had gotten hired I got pulled aside by my Boss. She asked me to meet with her for dinner and so we could just catch up and chat. I'm thinking, "O.K. She probably does this with everyone she just hires." As soon as we met I found out that I was so very wrong about her purpose for meeting. She actually wanted to tell me that she wasn't sure she should've hired me. "What?? What in the world could have made her think that?" She tells me that one of the people who was observing at the auditions had come up to her and told her that he saw me getting frustrated at another applicant. He also said that I had been insensitive towards a few of the girls who hadn't made it on the team. Well, let me explain myself on both accounts.
Charge #1: It was not fair for this person to make the assumption that I was getting frustrated when he was observing me from across the room. I remember the exact moment he had brought up to my Boss and I was not getting frustrated, I was simply trying to make myself understood. The girl next to me who I was talking to kept putting me off and wouldn't answer the question that I had asked her. So I said to her, "I just need to understand" and when I said that I shook a piece of paper in the hand. I guess to some people that could be perceived as being frustrated, but it really wasn't.
Charge #2: The day that we were supposed to find out who made it, I was checking the mailbox every two seconds to see if the letter had come. Since we're in college, basically all of the people who were trying to get into Summer Ministry Team were checking it together. So, I was down there with another one of the girls and we met up with the person who accused me and his girlfriend, and one of her friends, both of which also applied. The letter still had not come and everyone was stressing over it. I turned to them and said, "I really need to know, because I have other job offers." Now, here's the thing: I had applied for other jobs to be safe for the summer because Summer Ministry wasn't a sure yes or no. In order for me to hold onto my spots in these other jobs, I needed to let most of the them know by the end of the week. Therefore, if I didn't get the letter in time and I hadn't made it, I would have no job for the summer. What I didn't know was that the accuser's girlfriend and her friend both knew that I had made it, but they did not. I was not aware that they had been privileged to this information. There was no way of me knowing that. But, the accuser took that action as me being insensitive to the other girls.
Anyway, in the midst of our conversation I explained this to my Boss and she understood, but not before telling me that she had called up the Dean of Discipline to see if I had had any problems in the past. Wow... what a parting shot! I had never been broken down so much so as I had when she told me this. My heart sank to the floor. I couldn't breath. All of my blood was rushing to my face and I could feel my limbs go numb. All I wanted to do was cry, but I didn't. I stayed composed and laughed off the whole situation as if it meant nothing, as if it hadn't bothered me one bit. When in reality, it had bothered me a great deal. It had bothered me so much that I felt the need to prove her wrong. I needed to show her that I would be a good member of the team. I would be a good team member. I wouldn't try to take over things. I wouldn't be insensitive. I would be the PERFECT team member. So, Training Week pulls around and I can't be myself. I am shaken to the point of submission. I have no self-confidence and no opinion. I am not the Meghan all of my friends had grown to love the previous year. I am a meek, little girl hiding behind her piano. I thought to myself, "Don't worry. You were meant to be on this team. You'll be yourself as soon as you get around the kids." Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I couldn't be myself! I just couldn't. I would try to think about it and try to not think about it. I would try little tricks and try to bring out that sense of humor I was known for, but nothing. I couldn't even talk normally. Things would come out insecure and shaky. I had never been like this. I mean I have had my moments, but it was usually just for about five minutes. This lasted three months. Three months of not standing up for myself, three months of getting torn down, day after day, three months of having to put up with two team members who were awful to me. Both were incredibly insensitive, one was a control freak, and the other was passive aggressive. I had my one area of relief and thank God for him. His name was Nate. He was the team Chaplain and he always was protecting me. He was always comforting me and loving me just for who I was. He never made degrading comments. He never overpowered me. We worked equally side by side. We worked well together.
About half way through the summer, I went through an emotional break down. I was sad all the time and hating every minute of the summer. I tried to talk to the two girls on the team, but they somehow made it my fault. I tried talking to my sister and Deanna on the phone, but they couldn't do or say anything to make me feel better. I spent three days straight crying in secrecy. Then, one night Nate was there. I walked into the before service prayer and he wrapped his arm around me. At that moment, I lost all sense of propriety. I didn't care that I was crying in front of all the elders,youth, and even the rest of the team. I was just crying. I was there and Nate was there. That's it. As soon as prayer was over, Nate pulled me aside into one of the pews and just listened to me. He listened to me cry. He listened to me yell. He just listened with his arm around me stroking my hair. Finally, I was done yelling. I was done talking. Nate just looks at me and says, "WE are going to fix this. WE are going to get any help that you need. It's not your fault. You are not alone." Goodness gracious. . . that's all I needed to hear. I just needed to know that it wasn't my fault. That I wasn't making myself feel this way. I needed someone to tell me that they were going to help me and not that I needed to go help myself. Or the cliche line of, "Just keep praying..." which one of the team members used on me everytime I had a problem. That just made it sound like I wasn't doing my part. That I wasn't trying hard enough to make these feelings go away. Or the line that I hate even more, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." meaning I can't do anything to help you. It's your own feelings, therefore it's YOUR fault. This is the kind of responses I got all summer up until now. Up until Nate, glorious Nate,who had made me feel comfort. I hadn't felt comfort all summer. I was always the comforter, not the comforted. It was nice to be in that child-like place again. Nate will never know what he did for me that day. He will never know how much that meant to me. It was the perfect thing at the perfect time.
Anyway, to wrap up the story, I got back to school and was diagnosed as clinically depressed. I guess that it wasn't something I could've fixed on my own. I guess I was right. I guess that Nate really did present the best therapy and it wasn't just a school girl wallowing in the arm of a man.
Now you know a little about me. What I went through, what I'm going through.